Today, this blog tips over the edge and finally becomes the blog I’ve been wanting to have for ages now. It will still be about nothing, don’t worry, but all sorts of nothing.
I hadn’t realised before but what I’m missing here is the freedom to be myself.
I want Britain to stay in Europe. There, I've said it in public.
I’ve gone from being a blog about nothing to being a fearless blog about nothing.
When I started this blog, it was purely a place for me to find my written English voice and share my photography, a grand title for an otherwise unremarkable record of the world as seen through my lens. I had an infinite amount of time, it seems, and my life was a permanent lovely summer of sunshine and magical light. It was my innocent Bambi phase, if you like.
As it happens, my Bambi phase is over. Fortunately for me, not quite in the same way things changed for the delicate Bambi, but a big change nonetheless. And it’s been difficult to filter everything I say to the point of it all being about gratitude and crafts, as if I’m two dimensional.
This space served me well for a couple of years, it truly did, but things changed after a while and I’ve been struggling with the whys and why-nots for longer than I care to admit. I’ve had silent debates and public ones, typically ending with me choosing to continue blogging about whatever I feel like but never quite managing to let go fully of how useful one’s posts should be or informative, or part of a wider editorial calendar which sole aim is to add value to the lives of one’s readers. Well… I’m about to add value to your lives, that’s for sure. Or not, actually, sorry.
Also at the back of my mind is what to share and what not to share. I work in Communications and I am painfully aware of the catastrophic consequences a simple and innocent comment on ice cream, say, can have on our life if taken the wrong way. The digital era is for those who think | think | pause | think | think some more | and only then share on social media types. Or it should be, for everyone else is taking a serious risk of messing up online.
Whilst I still believe we should consider very carefully what we share online (I mean me, obviously, you can do whatever you like), I’m also now realising we can’t let that stop us from having a voice and fighting for what we believe in (again, I’m using the royal we here). Being true to my passions and beliefs always came easily to me, far too easily at times, and it's a quality I’d like to keep, thank you very much.
So… the freedom to be myself. Yes, I’ve been myself up until now, and I’ve been honest too, but what I’ve been writing here is now such a small part of my life that it no longer got me excited. It works for some people and that is great; I love reading well written posts about fantastic sewing projects, quilts, walks in the park, well tended gardens, and homemade jam. I do. I also love the photos on those posts and the feeling that I’m part of their day, because I’ve grown to like those bloggers. But my life is not that right now.
Currently, my life is long work hours, Olivia on my lap when I finally sit on the sofa, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on loop, dinner in front of the TV, mild panic attacks about this looming referendum, and the state of the NHS, and education, Benfica winning the Portuguese football league (YAY!), desperately needing to sort my wardrobe, wanting to get back into running, not finding the motivation to knit, and a genuine belief my laundry has learnt to replicate itself and is plotting against me.
My life is good. It’s just not blogging-material good. I enjoy chilling on the sofa or going to the pub after work with good friends. I love cuddling Olivia. I was thrilled about Benfica winning the league, oh yeah! Investigating the mystery of the self-replicating laundry is fascinating. I love both my picture-imperfect-but-perfect-for-me life and my incredibly wide range of interests. I love that I can discuss matching corners in quilting and emigration with the same fiery passion. It’s who I am – a fiery passionate Portuguese emigrant deeply in love with Britain. I’m also fearless, as of now. (unless it’s very dark and I’m home alone, then I’m a coward)
I want Britain to stay in Europe the same way I want Portugal to stay in Europe. I love them both and I want what is best for both, as I see it. I’ve also now lost half the anger and hoompf needed to make my case, because I’ve spent all my energy on explaining my new found digital freedom. But it will come. Now that the floodgates have opened, it can come. For today I am free.
Have a lovely day everyone 🙂